


Feeling Wrong and Looking Pretty

by PennamePersona



Series: Clinic AU [24]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dysphoria, F/F, Feelings, Trans Calliope, Trans Female Character, Trans Roxy Lalonde
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:16:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm going to say this in the lower notes as well, but: There is now a Clinic AU ask blog on tumblr! Its url is ask-clinic-au. tumblr.com</p><p>Please ask away, I'd be thrilled to have the cast answer any and all questions you may have!</p><p>Anyway, here's some dysphoric Callie.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Feeling Wrong and Looking Pretty

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TrollJegus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrollJegus/gifts).



> I'm going to say this in the lower notes as well, but: There is now a Clinic AU ask blog on tumblr! Its url is ask-clinic-au. tumblr.com
> 
> Please ask away, I'd be thrilled to have the cast answer any and all questions you may have!
> 
> Anyway, here's some dysphoric Callie.

You look into the gorgeous full-length mirror that was your girlfriend’s moving in gift to you (despite the fact that the two of you were moving into an apartment _together_ and thus the gift was a needless extravagance, albeit one you loved) and feel wrong.

You feel wrong a lot, really, which has gotten a bit better lately, but overall your body is no gift to you. You experience mild dysphoria just waking up and feeling yourself be…awake. And it’s gotten better, with the estrogen, but it’s just so wrong, overall, waking up and being wrong in every way, knowing that you’re about to go about your day in a body that will just never fit you…!

But what are you to do except keep going? After all, Roxy assures you that someday, it will get better, and you will feel like yourself. She has a head start on you by quite a bit with all of this, never really needing to transition, as she knew early on that she was a girl and her mother was progressive enough to believe her.

She and Karkat are the examples of a queerer world, you think, a queerer world that accepts people like you from birth.

You and Dave are examples of this world. Examples of intense dysphoria and parents who don’t quite know what to do or outright reject, examples of feeling wrong every day, examples of the pain and suffering that comes with being trans. You’ve long believed that the world would be a better place if you and Dave could just switch bodies. Of course, that would mean much paler skin and albinism for you, and a whole new set of worries for Dave. Worries related to skin color and the troubles that come with it, the stigmas, the stereotyping.

As if all of you don’t deal with stereotyping enough as it is.

There now, you’ve allowed your mind to wander enough, to muse around and be strange, but what you’re really focused on right now is your reflection.

“Oh, Callie.” Roxy says from the doorway. “What’s wrong this time?”

This time, and you know she doesn’t mean it that way, means it only in the sense that it is in fact this time, not in the sense that you’re a burden even though you always feel like one, especially to someone as perfect as Roxy –

“You’re overthinking again, babe.” She says, coming up behind you and placing her hands just over your hips, hovering, unsure of their welcome. You would say that any part of her is always welcome to you, but that’s untrue. You have issues with touch, and she knows this, adjusts to it, lets you be you and be comfortable as much as possible.

You love her for this.

You hate yourself for it.

Why can’t you be more of a normal girlfriend, why do you have to weigh her down? You know that you can’t help being what you are, but it hurts you that you make life more difficult for her because of everything that you happen to be. It hurts you so very badly.

“I know,” You whisper. “I’m sorry.”

Your voice breaks on “sorry” and Roxy gently lets her hands find your hips, then turns you around.

“I love you, you know that, right?” She asks, brushing a hand through your hair. It’s short and curly, so like it was when you were Caliborn and not Callie and everything was wrong and awful and it killed you inside, people suggest growing it out, and you know they’re right that it would make you look like more of a girl –

But Roxy tells you that you look like a girl even with short hair, and you believe her.

“I know.” You say, leaning into her. “I know.”

“What’s wrong?” She asks again, and you curl up a bit into her.

“The dress.” You say. “It looks all wrong on me. I don’t look like a girl at all.”

“Hm,” Roxy hums. “Lemme call Rosie, if that’s okay?”

You nod, not bothering to move. She reaches to grab her cell phone from the dresser, then calls her cousin.

“Hey, Rosie?” She says. “Callie’s having some trouble with her dress, and I was hoping you or Kanaya could come over and fix it for her. Yeah, that’s it. Draping, I think. We’ve got plenty, you know Callie, always experimenting. Thanks, Rose.”

She puts her phone down now and nuzzles into your hair.

“Kanaya will be over in just a few.” She says, gently.

“Sorry,” You say.

“Shh, no, Callie,” Roxy says. “Remember what we talked about.”

You’re nearly in tears as you whisper, “Thank you.”

“Anything for my girl,” Roxy murmurs.

* * *

 

It’s not long later that there’s a knock at the door, signaling Kanaya’s arrival. Normally you would be highly uncomfortable with someone else seeing you in this dress that makes you look so wrong, but you’re less uncomfortable with Kanaya. She makes you feel safe, unjudged.

“It’s really no problem,” She says as she comes into the bedroom, apropos of nothing. “I’ve done this on Sollux’s feminine days many a time. Most recently, I’ve assisted John in fitting more properly into his dresses, as he has no sense for it whatsoever. This will be a quick fix, Calliope.”

“Thank you,” You say, quietly, stepping away from Roxy. Kanaya scans you up and down, but not in a way that makes you feel self-conscious. Her gaze is so far from being either judgmental or sexual, so removed from any concern except for the fabric covering your body, that it’s almost impossible to feel uncomfortable.

She sets her sewing kit down on the bed and goes to your supply closet, pulling out several strands of ribbon and fabric before selecting a lovely silver and white silky strand of ribbon.

“Turn for me, please,” She says, and you do, facing completely opposite the mirror. She pulls the ribbon around your body, and you expect that when you turn around, she’ll have pulled it tight enough to create the illusion of curves on your body, so you breathe in tightly to give her more room.

You are surprised to find that she never pulls tightly on the ribbon, only loosing draping it and tying it to your side in a bow, then gesturing for you to turn.

You turn.

You look.

You see a young woman with a slightly androgynous figure, wearing a beautiful lime green dress, draped over with a silver and white ribbon, tied tastefully, wearing white sandals and looking rather classy and cute.

You do not see anything wrong.

You smile.

“Thank you, Kanaya.” You say, and she waves a hand, as though it was nothing.

“You’re quite welcome,” She says. “Always a pleasure.”

She leaves, then, and Roxy comes behind you and kisses your neck.

“You’re even more beautiful than usual,” She says into your skin, and your smile widens.

You are.

**Author's Note:**

> There's a Clinic AU ask blog on tumblr! URL: ask-clinic-au.tumblr.com
> 
> Kudos are good but comments are G R E A T please leave some! I'm thrilled to answer any and all questions at either:  
> ask-clinic-au.tumblr.com  
> or  
> pennamepersona.tumblr.com


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